to be loved, means to be free

I used to think being in love is as simple as you stay in it, while the bitter truth it isn’t. it feels like you are floating around in the ocean and you gotta keep floating so you wont get drowning then die because of it. As it goes to what the concept of love is, you need to let it flow and grow to stay in love.

As I grew up, loving someone is something enjoyable for me. I can buy them things that reminds me of them, I can cook meals that they craving for, I can hug them because I want them to feel loved by me. In the other hand, as I grew up, I seek full control on people who I loved rather than to my only self. This is because I was anxious how they perceived me, how they validated my love to them and how they would leave me in many possible ways. I know, even just a briefly reading through this paragraph is tiring, now imagine how burdening these thoughts in my head for years.

I always want to keep them a length of arm in hope that it will keep them loving me like before. that’s a false act though. why? as much as i learned, we can only control ourselves. therefore, we can’t never truly control them like a puppet of the show. it is an act full of selfishness, ugly intentions. while loving someone have to be a good deed you do for them, and also for you. its creating a chain that only suffocate both you and them. and it just creates so much distrust, which why do you do that to yourself?

I frequently asking myself nowadays, is it really love that i have been given to him? or it just my desire that caught me up in a form that i mistakenly called ‘love’ ? I did an awful act disguised in romantic ways. I mistakenly thought that I need to keep him going around because of how low I seem myself. I realized, I distrust my abilities to keep him, I distrust my beauty to keep him, I distrust myself completely by chained him up.

I tightly closed my eyes to their own happiness, to stay afloat with my happiness. How cruel my kindness was, yet I spoken it in a mesmerizing melody. You know, you can be happy, when you let things flow. Do nothing, control nothing.

it is always a priceless moment to find such a blissful creature of God falling for another.
seeing how they dress up to impress, how they think about their significant other as a flawless cutie pie running around their minds, or how they use another tone far from the usual one after their dinner last night. let love be as beautiful as it might get without having to control it every time.